


Sburgatoria

by abraxasgrip



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Country Club Court Drama, F/F, Gnosticism, Not Epilogue Compliant, Religious Horror, Trans Kanaya Maryam, Trans Vriska Serket, Whole Foods Blood Feuds, dyke drama, inexplicably post-canon, more girls to come but boys have no rights here, somehow my shot at an alt epilogue route fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2020-10-25 15:55:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20726822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abraxasgrip/pseuds/abraxasgrip
Summary: Or: Real Housewives of The Medium: BattleroyaleKanaya Maryam-Lalonde fucking hates the neighbors. Or, well, The Neighbor. Terezi is a perfectly fine, perfectly respectable woman- an excellent lawyer by all accounts. But her wife... her wife is a foul beast who could only have been sent with the express purpose of shattering this otherwise paradisaical suburban life.





	1. Meet The Wives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITING IN PROGRESS

Her life had been so simple, so very delightful, before that tart moved in to the neigh identical house across the street. The garden was coming along nicely- no doubt the front-runner for the Homeowners Association Rose Bush of the Year award. Her artisanal topiary shaping business was doing perfectly well; supported, perhaps, by the income of her dear wife’s bestseller residuals and the proceeds of her philharmonic performances. The two of them had just gotten membership to the country club, and were happily settling into a luxurious lifestyle of sunning by the pool and attending high-society luncheons.

Then that accused day came, about a month prior. She was enjoying a delightful afternoon with Rose, lounging in the dark, enjoying drinks on the couch, and listening to an ambient record sounding something like a pane of glass being shattered on a piano keyboard. A commotion from outside drew them from their lounging, untangling limbs and stepping over to peek past the embroidered black silk curtains.

Two women stepped out of a massive red truck, tailed by a quaint U-Haul fleet. The taller one stood looking at their house, hands on her hips, and apparently delivered some kind of idiotic line, from the punch to the shoulder she received from her companion. The taller one leaned over to give her a kiss, and Kanaya remembers mumbling "Oh Thank God Maybe We Wont Be The Loneliest Dykes On The Block Anymore". 

Then. Then, Kanaya took in their outfits. The shorter one was wearing what could frankly only be described as a fashion affront to god, a scarlet suit with teal accents, accompanied by gaudy sunglasses. Her taller, scrawnier wife was wearing an admittedly quite fetching skirt with designer heels and a white t-shirt, tucked in, ringed by venus signs and cartoon trout, reading: "WOM3N W4NT M3 F1SH F34R M3 1F LOST R3TURN TO T3R3Z1." The spectacle of it all was nearly enough for her not to notice who it was. A splash of Languedoc-Roussillon hit the lavender plush carpet as she drew one perfectly manicured hand to politely cover her gasp.  


  
KANAYA: Oh My God Rose Dear I Think Thats The Bitch Who Broke My Heart At The Alternian Academy For Preparing Exceptionally Talented Young Trolls And Lads For A Life Of High-Society Living  
ROSE: Darling, as ever I cannot stress enough that I completely refuse to believe that that’s the actual name of your alma mater.  
KANAYA: Oh You Know Me  
KANAYA: I Simply Love To Beguile Women With Entirely Plain Statements Of Fact  
  


Rose giggled and lifted the arm locked into hers to take a sip of her martini glass mocktail concoction of Perrier and lime juice. 

  
ROSE: What did she... do?  
KANAYA: I Had Made Her A Number Of Fine Goods And Accessories In Some Kind Of Retrospectively Misguided Attempt At Winning Her Heart  
KANAYA: A Particularly Fine Orange Ascot Took Me The Better Part Of A Month  
KANAYA: And She Used It To Try To Seduce Some Dull Boy I Had Been Forcing Her To Play Nice With  
ROSE: With an ascot.  
KANAYA: We Were Fags Dear  
KANAYA: Well I Suppose We Still Are  
KANAYA: Regardless It Was Simply  


She closes her eyes and takes a quiet breath in through her nose. 

KANAYA: An Extremely Fine Scarf  
ROSE: Say no more.  
KANAYA: If You Insist  
KANAYA: In Any Case In The End All She Did Was Play Me Like One Of Your Fiddles  
ROSE: My violin, darling.  


She nodded absent-mindidly  


ROSE: Do you still bear ill will after all this time?  
KANAYA: Who Me  
KANAYA: When Have I Been Known To Bear A Grudge Past Its Due Date  
ROSE: ...  
ROSE: By any chance, do you happen to remember when we were in the preliminary stages of deciding on the paint to use for the boudoir interior?   
KANAYA: Of Course  
ROSE: And you wanted the walls to be a darker variation of Byzantine, and I said well no, I think a nice mauve would stand as a much nicer complement to our whalebone chinaware.  
KANAYA: ...  
KANAYA: Perhaps  
ROSE: And we ended up settling on a lighter tyrian as a compromise.  
ROSE: But as we were sitting down for tea, some seven months later, you placed a tray of freshly made cookies, iced with what surely had to be some shade of Byzantine.  
ROSE: And you dipped one in a teacup, and sat there in silence, clearly buried in depths of contemplation so total that any light shined down would surely reveal not one strand of well conditioned hair.  
ROSE: And after time, you looked up at me, and said  
ROSE: Rose Dear Have You Tried These Cookies Something About Them Really Quite Nicely Complements This Tea Here  
KANAYA: I Simply Thought   


They watched in silence as a seemingly endless horde of gaudy furniture and decor was extracted from the moving truck. A startlingly red couch, a bright blue coffee table, clear containers filled to the brim with colorful stuffed animals of some variety, more monitors and computers than either of them can count, and terrarium after terrarium after cage holding god knows what. Rose turned to detach herself from Kanaya’s arm, downing the rest of her drink and raising an eyebrow.

  
ROSE: Well if anything, this is certainly going to be interesting.  
KANAYA: Yes   
KANAYA: Interesting  


Kanaya stayed put as Rose wandered off. By the time the move-in process was winding down, she’d drifted back over, wrapping her arms around her wife’s waist from behind.  


  
ROSE: Kanaya, darling, your ceaseless domestic vigilance never fails to impress.  
ROSE: but we’re going to miss our dinner reservation if you don’t remove yourself from our fenestrated watchtower sometime soon. Surely their junk can’t be all that spectacular?  
KANAYA: Oh Right   
KANAYA: Sorry Im Just A Bit Surprised Is All   
KANAYA: Just Give Me A Few Minutes And Ill Be Ready  


She emerged from the master bedroom half an hour later, looking, she thought, perfectly elegant in her red evening dress. Her wife had taken a fraction of the time to get prepared, but of course looked all the more stunning in that violet suit of hers. They both blushed as Rose leaned down to kiss her hand, guiding her to the front door with "Shall we, dear?"

The date was delightful as ever, and what came after all the more. No use lingering on those details. She rose from their canopied bed before dawn, as usual, and decided that she may as well try to welcome their new neighbors to the area. Maybe she could make peace with an old flame, perhaps give her and her wife a few tips on how to make sure their outfits were more in line with the Standards of this community. Foolish on both counts. 

She made a batch of her signature cookies, (the talk of the town, or at least of the house-party circuit) and improvised a nice orange icing, arranging them on a nice crystal platter. By about 8am Kanaya had gathered just enough nerves to compulse herself across two well-manicured lawns to their front door. The frame was already scuffed, from their ridiculous furniture, presumably. She knocked on the door 6 times, half a second between each. Nothing. She repeated this a couple times, before deciding to gently place the cookies down on the doormat. She’d have to come back later for the platter but at least that would give some kind of opportunity for conversation. 

The door rattled and slammed open, thinly scraping the tallest of the cookie stacks, before she could turn around to head back to safety. A fine red mist seeped through the corners of the doorway. She was wearing spider patterned boxers with a shirt reading “I HAVE NO TITS,” squinting at the visitor through a halo of thick hair surrounding her visage in messy strands. Her cerulean lipstick was smeared across her lips and the sides of her sharp, grey, pockmarked face. 

  
VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh Terezi, I think we got someone from your fancy lawyer jo8 thing at the door.   


Kanaya knew that instant that this was her former crush, from the distinctly harsh drawl of her voice that cut through the pitched tones of voice lessons she knew too well. She didn’t seem to recognize her in return though. She had loved the woman, or at least thought she did, but she was never known for her powers of deduction. Over her shoulder Kanaya vaguely made out a television, set up on a cardboard box, displaying an extremely large snake coiling around an emaciated lion. The woman she saw earlier groaned and slinked past the TV and to the door, cane tapping until she hit her wife, wedging herself into the gap between her side and arm. 

She was wearing shorts with a cartoon alligator pattern, and an apparently matching shirt reading "1 H4V3 T1TS," bordering the splotches of cerulean lipstick dotting her neck. She sniffed the air and elbowed her wife in the ribs.

  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 WHY WOULD YOU 4SSUM3 TH1S WOM4N 1S W1TH MY OFF1C3  
TEREZI: SH3 SM3LLS NOTH1NG L1K3 4 L4WY3R  
TEREZI: SH3’S OBV1OUSLY FROM TH3 HOM3OWN3RS 4SSOC14T1ON  
VRISKA: How am I supposed to what that smells like!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: She just looks generically fancy enough to 8e one of your l8me coworkers.  
TEREZI: OH VR1SK4  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 VR1SK4 VR1SK4  
TEREZI: 1F SL33P1NG W1TH M3 FOR T3N Y34RS W4SN'T 3NOUGH T34CH YOU TH3 SW33T SC3NT OF TH3 L4W  
TEREZI: TH3N 1’M 4FR41D TH3R3’S JUST NO HOP3 >:/   


Vriska made a 8lehhhhhhhh sound and stuck out her tongue at her wife, who returned the gesture. They stood there staring at one another with unmitigated intensity until they broke out giggling. Vriska kissed her wife on the cheek, holding it for, if she had to guess, around 8 seconds, leaving a cartoonishly well-defined blue kiss mark in her wake. It was, overall, kind of A Lot to take in. 

Terezi started talking before the kiss left her face. 

  
TEREZI: SORRY YOU K1ND4 C4UGHT US R1GHT B3FOR3 OUR USU4L B3DT1M3  
VRISKA: 8ut who was right????????  
KANAYA: Believe It Or Not But Im Actually Neither Of Those Two Very Excellent Guesses   
KANAYA: Im Not Exactly Sure What You Would Expect This To Smell Like But Im Something of A Bush Shaping Expert  
TEREZI: OH SO YOUR3 4 DYK3? US TOO!  


She accepted a handshake with the stickiest hand she'd touched since the third gr- Oh No Wait. Since the night before. Yeah.

Kanaya withdrew her hand, reaching for the apple scented hand sanitizer attached to her purse without changing her expression or breaking eye contact. 

  
KANAYA: Yeah I Guess You Could Say That  
KANAYA: My Wife And I Live Just Across The Street And We Happened To Catch Sight Of Your Whole Moving In Operation  
KANAYA: So I Thought It May Be Worthwhile To Introduce Myself  


She looked over to Vriska, who had been using her foot to try to nudge the crystal cookie platter within her grasp without having to bend over. 

  
KANAYA: Do Be careful With That If You Could Its Quite Fragile  
VRISKA: Yeeeeaaaah don't worry a8out it 8a8e, i got it.  


It slipped against her spider web patterned sock a few times until she managed to get enough force behind it to pop the edge into her hand, cracking off from the plate and spilling a couple of the precious baked goods on the ground. Kanaya sighed and opened her mouth to say something about it before she felt something warm and leathery blitz'd into her leg. 

She jumped back and fell on her ass rather ungracefully as that beast massive skittered around, grabbing for the precious baked goods. Some kind of albino monitor or komodo. It got one in its mouth and halfway down its gullet before Terezi shouted and bapped its head with her cane. 

  
TEREZI: PYR4LSPR1T3 NO!  
TEREZI: W3’V3 B33N THROUGH TH1S B3FOR3 YOU KNOW THOS3 4R3 B4D FOR YOUR STOM4CH!  


It was standing on the bit of Kanaya’s skirt that had flattened out against the concrete, claws digging into the fabric. 

Vriska leaned down to help Kanaya off of the dirty porch as her wife wrangled that horrible horrible beast, who of course thrashed enough to tear its claws out of her dress with a definite lack of elegance. She shudders at the thought of the foul, beady red look it gave her, even now. Vriska’s hand was, of course, just as sticky as her wife's, and Kanaya decided that she’d had just about enough of this shit. She stood up on her own, taking a deep breath in and forcing a polite smile. 

  
KANAYA: Well This Was Just Lovely But I Should Really Be Returning To My Dear Wife Right About Now You Know How They Get When You Leave Them Alone Ha Ha Goodbye  


One pivot and power walk later, putting the commotion of epic clash of troll against lizard behind her, and she entered the front door of her abode, safe at last. Rose looked up from her spot on the couch, taking in the picture of the leaves stuck to her wife’s dress, hands stained red from whatever the fuck had been on their grimy paws, dress clawed to all hell, and took a long sip of her tea, raising an eyebrow. 

  
ROSE: Oh Kanaya, you look simply wonderful.  



	2. Watch out 8itches!!!!!!!!

TEREZI: B4B3   
TEREZI: B4B3 COM3 ON G3T UP   
TEREZI: 1 3V3N W41T3D UNT1L 84M FOR YOU >:/  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU R34LLY GO1NG TO SP3ND OUR WHOL3 L4ST D4Y SL33P1NG 1N?  


She sighs and sets her coffee down.  


TEREZI: OK YOU 4SK3D FOR TH1S.  


Terezi stands next to Vriska’s side of the bed, and initiates what can only be described as a loving pile drive, plummeting into the sleeping form of her wife with a body slam-hug that sends her jolting up.  


VRISKA: JESUS F8CK  
TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU TO G3T UP!  
VRISKA: ::::( 8ut it’s the weekend.   
VRISKA: I don’t even have to stream for like 12 hours.   
TEREZI: 1T’S 4LSO L4ST D4Y B3FOR3 1 ST4RT WORK!   
TEREZI: 4ND 1 W4NT TO SP3ND 1T W1TH MY W1F3. >:]  
VRISKA: Ok fiiiiiiiine.  


She shifts up with a sigh and makes eye contact with Terezi, who raises her eyebrows in response. Then she collapses back into the dozen or so blue and red cushions that makes up their bed-nest.  


TEREZI: VR1SK4.   
TEREZI: C’MON.   


She groans from the pile and reaches her arms out to Terezi, who leans forward to accept her hug, kissing her wife on the cheek.  


TEREZI: 4LR1GHT H3R3 W3 GO   
VRISKA: whA-  


Terezi tightens her grip and moves backwards, towards the edge of the bed. Vriska screeches but holds on tight, trying her best to counter-balance the offensive, failing dramatically as her much stronger wife leans back, leveraging Vriska out of the nest, over her head, and onto the plush carpet with a soft thud. She lays on the ground with her arms crossed, hair cast across the floor like a net. She knows that if this was anything but a fully literary medium, the words  
  
WIFEPLEX COMBO SLAM  


would be blinking above her head.  


TEREZI: TH3R3 >:]  
TEREZI: TH4T’S WH4T YOU G3T FOR NOT GO1NG TO WORKOUT W1TH M3 B4B3!  
TEREZI: TH4T MOV3 US3D TO T4K3 MUCH LONG3R   
VRISKA: ::::( 8luhhhhhhhh   
VRISKA: You know I’ve 8een trying to hit platinum again!  
VRISKA: I don’t have that kind of time for that sweaty 8ullshit!   
VRISKA: It’s hard and l8me!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: YOU’R3 H4RD 4ND L4M3   


She squats down and plants a kiss on the bit of stomach exposed by the lovers brawl. Terezi’s hair, just long enough to touch, softly brushes against her skin, and Vriska giggles.  


VRISKA: Ok ok cut that gay shit out   
TEREZI: BUT YOU L1K3 TH1S G4Y SH1T >:]   
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU R34DY FOR BR34KF4ST NOW?  
TEREZI: W1TH YOUR D34R W1F3?  
TEREZI: ON TH1S LOV3LY MORN1NG?  
VRISKA: ugggghhhh fine I GUESS I am   
TEREZI: GOOD.   


Terezi pushes her arms below her knees and neck and powers upwards with a soft grunt, holding Vriska bridal style. She blushes a deep blue, wrapping her arms around her neck.  


VRISKA: Ok ok m8ybe working out is good for something   
TEREZI: 1 KN3W YOU'D AGR33  


Terezi carries her out to the living room, passing the freshly dried chalkboard paint covering the walls of the hallway. Thin strips of light shine through cracks between shades, illuminating an archipelago of plush piles, lizard terrariums, and a barely set up computer station, with 8 monitors crammed onto a desk. As they approach the kitchen, Vriska takes the opportunity to press her face against Terezi's squishy bicep.  


VRISKA: Ya know I could get used to this!  
TEREZI: YOU SHOULDNT!  


Before she can react she's in freefall onto the couch, yelping and grabbing in vein on her way down. Vriska bounces ever so slightly and kicks out at Terezi, who dodges on instinct.  


VRISKA: ::::(  
VRISKA: And here I thought mrs. muscles would 8e a8le to t8ke me all the way!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: 3V3N MY STR3NGTH H4S 4 L1M1T!  
TEREZI: COM3 H3LP M3 M4K3 BR34KF4ST FR33LO4D3R.  


She whines about it but follows her to the kitchen nonetheless. It's only been a week but it already looks like a disaster zone. Open boxes of cereal and chalk line the counters. Rivers of dubiously clean silverware cut through mountains of takeout boxes. Terezi is standing in front of one of them in deep contemplation when she manages to slink in.  


VRISKA: So what are we having?  
VRISKA: OR should I roll again?  
TEREZI: NO LUCK N3C3SS4RY  
TEREZI: 1M PR3TTY SUR3 TH3 ONLY ON3 OF TH3S3 TH4T H4SNT GON3 B4D 1S TH3 P4NC4K3S   
VRISKA: Soooooooounds good!  
VRISKA: Do you need me to feed Pyralsprite while you warm those up?  
TEREZI: NO SH3 C4UGHT 4 R4T Y3ST3RD4Y  
TEREZI: SO SH3S PROB4BLY ST1LL D1G3ST1NG TH4T  
VRISKA: What a8out the Marquise?  
VRISKA: I love that cat 8ut she cant feed herself for shit  
TEREZI: OH TH3Y SH4R3D  


Vriska humms in approval and sits on the counter behind Terezi as she dumps the dozen or so pancakes into the skillet. In the brief, well timed window of time they know well, they rush to make their instant coffee before the pancakes start burning. They split them up just about evenly, racing each other to the living room (any fallen pancakes are, of course, forfit to scavenging lizards and feral cats alike) and collapse into the couch with their bounty. Terezi coats them in ketchup, and speaks up while she reaches for her chalk grater.  


TEREZI: SO,  
TEREZI: TH3 N31GHBOR.  
TEREZI: TH3 ON3 WHO V1S1T3D 4 COUPL3 OF D4YS 4GO.  
VRISKA: Oh the prissy 8itch?   
VRISKA: What a8out her?  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW H3R.  
TEREZI: DONT YOU?   


Punctuated with a loud sip of coffee as she nearly chokes on hers.  


VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh well.  
VRISKA: Well.  
VRISKA: Yeah.  
VRISKA: I guess.   
VRISKA: How did you know?  
TEREZI: YOU’R3 NOT 3X4CTLY H4RD TO R34D   
TEREZI: 1 COULD F33L HOW T3NS3 YOU W3R3 WH3N W3 W3R3 4T TH3 DOOR.   
TEREZI: SO WHO 1S SH3?  
TEREZI: SHOULD 1 B3 J34LOUS >:]  
VRISKA: Noooooooo no. No.   
VRISKA: She’s just... an old friend I guess?   
VRISKA: I 8arely recognized her to 8e honest.   
VRISKA: I guess we’re 8oth Trans?   
VRISKA: It took her talking to me in That Tone Of Voice for it to click.   
VRISKA: It’s 8een so long…  
TEREZI: WHY’D YOU N3V3R M3NT1ON H3R?   
TEREZI: H3R3 1 W4S TH1NK1NG YOUR ONLY FR13NDS W3R3 W1MPY BOYS!  
TEREZI: D3F1N1T3LY NOT G1RLS 4S PR3TTY 4S H3R.  
VRISKA: Ha! I mean you’re not totally wrong.   
VRISKA: 8ut I dunno.   
VRISKA: I’m not sure why I never mentioned her, really.   
VRISKA: I guess it’s just hard to want to think a8out the ones from 8efore.  
VRISKA: People who look at you and can only see a weird gawky loser 8oy.  
VRISKA: Who have this image in their head that you can never outpace.  
VRISKA: So sometimes you have to gut the past.  
VRISKA: Kill it, 8urn it, 8ury it 8 feet under.   
VRISKA: Sometimes you have to move forward.  
VRISKA: Even if it means forgetting someone you might’ve cared a8out a lot.  


Vriska pauses for a moment and stares forward, searching for something else to say. She really didn't mean to drop something like that out of the blue. At least not without a few shots in her first. She looks around the room and stutters lightly, glancing over to see Terezi put down the freshly used chalk grater as she screws her mouth in genuine concern.  


TEREZI: TH4T’S H34V13R TH4N 1 3XP3CT3D!  
TEREZI: BUT 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND.  
TEREZI: DO3S TH4T M34N YOU DON’T W4NT TO S33 H3R 4G41N?  
VRISKA: Weeeeeeeell I don’t know.   
VRISKA: If she doesn’t know who I am, then what’s the harm?   
VRISKA: I’m new. She seems new.   
VRISKA: M88e this is chance to try to start again!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: As long as the past stays 8uried.  
TEREZI: 1 AGR33.  


They sit in silence for a while, poking at their pancakes and taking tentative bites.  


VRISKA: Man 8etween dropping that and eating your shitty panc8kes I’m all 8ummed out ::::(  
TEREZI: SORRY FOR YOUR B4D T4ST3 >:P...  
TEREZI: BUT   
TEREZI: 1F YOU 1NS1ST  
TEREZI: 1T *1S* SUND4Y 4FT3R 4LL...  
TEREZI: 4ND 1T SHOULD B3 4BOUT BRUNCH T1M3…  
TEREZI: DO YOU W4NN4 GO M1LF W4TCH1NG 1NST34D?  
VRISKA: And m8ke pro8lems on purpose?   
TEREZI: OF COURS3.  
VRISKA: Fuck yeah I do!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: F4NT4ST1C >:]  


They know the routine. Vriska puts on the crowning jewel of her wardrobe, a dark blue Hawaiian shirt with little web patterns stretching across the fabric. Terezi, of course, has her matching extremely cool dragon shirt, fresh from the gas station t-shirt rack. Sweatpants, socks, and sandles on, and they're ready to descend on the town. Before she gets to the door, Terezi stops her, with hands behind her back. 

TEREZI: W41T B4B3.  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK W3 M1GHT B3 M1SS1NG SOM3TH1NG CRUC14L.  
TEREZI: SOM3TH1NG TOT4LLY 3SS3NT14L FOR SUCH 4 SP3C14L OCC4S1ON…  
TEREZI: TH3S3!  


Her wife hurls an object with maximum force from about 5 feet away, like a ninja star, and less than a moment later the brim of a ballcap slams into her left tit. 

VRISKA: Oh yeah fuck, you’re right!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I forgot that we had these m8de!!!!!!!!  


They adorn their matching hats, reading 1M SORRY WOM3N  and I’m sorry women ::::( in their respective favorite colors.

TEREZI: NOW W3R3 GOOD TO GO! 

They climb into Vriska's jacked up red truck, following phone instructions to the nearest IHop. This would have to be a test run. Fancier brunch crashes would be too risky with so little intel. It's only a few miles away, so they're pulling into the parking lot and opening the doors of the restaurant in what feels like less than a minute. Vriska power walks up to the doors first, waiting for Terezi to catch up before entering. She never goes in first. Of course she also likes having the door opened for her, but she'll die before she says that out loud.  
  
The IHop host moves like most men move. Harsh and rigid, joints cracking like crumpled paper as drops of ink splash from his halo. He looks as flat as the rest of them, two dimensions unnervingly projected into a four dimensional space. Each shift in pose and expression looks freshly printed, shuttered into being at a rate just delayed enough to be noticeable. Momentum weighed down by a lag that never lets up. The sight is always made all the more disconcerting when seen next to a woman like Terezi, dizzyingly fluid and dynamic. It’s usually best to look away. Fortunately he flitters off to find them a seat before they reach the desk.  
  
A fun game she likes to play while waiting on hosts is scanning the inside of the restaurant to see if she can locate an open seat before they get back. She runs bets and odds in her head, it’s been years since Terezi has accepted a wager on this shit. This time it looks like there’s a good chance that sh.  
  
Oh fuck. Vriska doesn’t even need her eightfold vision to see Her, sitting right at the corner. back turned, eating with what must be her wife. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. She starts looking for any possible way out of the room, eyes darting from booth to door to bathroom when Terezi softly grabs her hand and leans in.

TEREZI: h3y.   
TEREZI: 1ts f1n3  
TEREZI: you’r3 f1n3  
TEREZI: do you w4nt to l34v3 b3for3 sh3 s33s you?  


Vriska squeezes her hand back.  


VRISKA: N..No I think it'll 8e fine.   
VRISKA: It was just an overreaction.  
TEREZI: ok.   
TEREZI: well 1f you w4nt to book 1t 4t 4ny po1nt  
TEREZI: t3ll m3   
TEREZI: 1 c4n sm3ll 4 f3w h34lth cod3 v1ol4t1ons 4lr34dy  
TEREZI: so 1f w3 n33d a distraction 1 h4v3 4 f3w 1d34s >:]   
VRISKA: thanks 8a8e ::::)   


She takes another deep breath and puts her hands on her hips in a very cool, very heroic pose, in time for the host to come back, jarringly gesturing for them to follow. 

VRISKA: Lets go!  
TEREZI: OK N3RD.  


An arm shoots out before they can pass by the neighborly booth, host shutters onwards without them. It belongs to a short woman with dark skin and bleached blonde hair. She's drinking a glass of something bubbly, and puts her finger up until she finishes her sip. 

????: Well, hello.  
????: I don't believe I've gotten the chance to make an introduction yet.  
????: Certainly not one as spectacular as Kanaya's.  
????: I'm Rose.  
ROSE: And I like the hats, by the way.  
VRISKA: Thank you :::)  
TEREZI: H1.  
TEREZI: HOW TH3 FUCK D1D YOU G3T CH4MP4GN3 4T 4N 1HOP?  
ROSE: Oh we have connections.  
TEREZI: N1C3!  


Kanaya seems to be taking a tremendous amount of time to drink her water, only looking at Rose. She very slowly turns when her wife makes expectant eye contact with her. 

KANAYA: Oh Hello   
KANAYA: So Did You Manage To Enjoy Any Of My Cookies  
KANAYA: Or Did I Just Happen To Make An Extravagantly Delicious Batch Of Lizard Treats  
TEREZI: W3'R3 PR3TTY SUR3 SH3 GOT 3M 4LL  
TEREZI: SH3'S 3FF1C13NT   
KANAYA: Delightful   
KANAYA: Did You At Least Manage To Salvage The Tray  
VRISKA: The what?  
KANAYA: You Know  
KANAYA: The Nice Crystal Tray I Delivered My Gifts On  
TEREZI: OH W3 UH.  
VRISKA: It's uhhhhhhhh  
TEREZI: PYR4LSPR1T3 K1ND4 TOOK 1T...   
TEREZI: SH3 T3NDS TO HORD3 PR3TTY TH1NGS.  
TEREZI: SO 1T COULD B3 4NYWH3R3 HON3STLY.  
KANAYA: What  
KANAYA: That Was An Heirloom  
ROSE: It was?   
KANAYA: Well No  
KANAYA: But It Could Have Been  
KANAYA: And You Dont See Me Misusing Gifts Like That  
KANAYA: Because When Someone Gives Me Something Precious   
KANAYA: With Lots Of Hard Work And Care Put Into It   
KANAYA: You Dont See Me Going Oh Wonderful This Is The Perfect Thing For Me To Use For My Own Ends Who Cares What Kanaya Thinks   
KANAYA: Because That Would Be Ridiculous   
KANAYA: Wouldnt It  
ROSE: Uh  


Vriska freezes and laughs very uncomfortably.  


VRISKA: haha uhhhhhhhh sorry!  
VRISKA: We promise we'll get another one!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I mean it pro8a8ly wasn't even that expensive?  
VRISKA: I'm guessing????????  
KANAYA: Oh You   
KANAYA: You  
KANAYA: You KNEW It Was A Sarkovski   


Before Vriska can lie to the contrary, Kanaya grabs the remainder of Rose's Rosé and splashes it in her face.  


KANAYA: You Cant Just Cut Your Losses And Run Every Time Bitch  


Terezi reacts while Vriska stands in soaked shock, grabbing her hand and booking it to the fire alarm. She punches it, yelling: 

1 C4N SM3LL CROSS CONT4M1N4T1ON FROM TH3 K1TCH3N YOU SHOULD PROB4BLY DO SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT TH4T! 

as she pulls Vriska through the double doors.


	3. Who Is Laughing Now

Idyllic midsummer sun breaks slips through the cracks in the blinds, intruding on the cryptlike peace of the Maryam-Lalonde household. The air conditioner powers on, and shifting the curtains just enough to redirect a ray onto a bare patch of Kanaya’s leg, who after much consideration decides that this simply Wouldn’t Do. She strides over to the shades, determined to put a stop to this illuminary invasion, pausing when she catches a glimpse of something through the thin white cracks. 

She lingers there for a few minutes, arms crossed. After the fifth or sixth tap of her indoor stilettos, Rose speaks up. 

ROSE: Is she out there again, dear.   


She places a hand on her hip and leans forward to get a better look.  


KANAYA: Oh Shes Out There Again Alright  
KANAYA: Taunting Me With Her Presence   
ROSE: It’s been a week, darling.  
ROSE: Surely your bloodlust must have been satiated after such a vicious alcohol assault.  
KANAYA: Well It Was Satisfying I Wont Deny That  
KANAYA: Really At This Point Im Mostly Just Annoyed That She Didn’t Seem To Remember Me  
KANAYA: After All Those Hours Of Transmuting Hand Cramps Into Delightful Cloth Fabrications  
KANAYA: Nothing  
ROSE: You would think a face even half as elegant as yours would be bound to memory.  
ROSE: Perhaps it’s a pretty woman situation?   
KANAYA: A What  
ROSE: As in, you got turned away before.   
ROSE: And now you're too good for her, but your victory is undercut by a lack of recognition.   
ROSE: I’m fairly sure we've watched it on some corny candlelit date or another.   
ROSE: Or perhaps I'm just experiencing terminal brainrot from overexposure to. uhhh.  
ROSE: The uhh.  
ROSE: Crraab? Guy?  
KANAYA: The What Now   


Rose puts down her needles and shifts forward on the couch, placing her head in one hand while tapping the side of her head.  


ROSE: You know I don’t actually recall what I was even attempting to get at there.  
ROSE: But we should watch it some time, I guess.   
KANAYA: Quite

She turns back to her vigil, as Vriska drags some brush to the center of her lawn. 

ROSE: What’s she doing now?   
KANAYA: Well She Appears To Be Fashioning Some Kind Of Circular Pile Of Sticks And Grass  
KANAYA: Fuck Knows What For   
KANAYA: Oh Interesting Now She Is Placing Some Computer Monitors In The Center Of Th   
KANAYA: Oh My God

She strides away from the window, and Rose leans up from her seat to see what the problem is. The reflections of a distant fire flickers through the glass of the window, lighting the silk curtains up with a deep orange hue.  


ROSE: One would think that’s a violation of the homeowners association code? 

She walks back into the living room after retrieving a large silver key.  


KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: One Would Think  
KANAYA: Well You Know What I Always Say Dear  
ROSE: They call me Femme Cause I be Slashing, perhaps?  
KANAYA: Ok Well  
KANAYA: You Know What Else I Always Say Dear  
KANAYA: Its Time To Go Terrorize A Twink By Threateningly Trimming The Hedges  


She power walks past the couch, Rose offering a high-five along the way that she accepts without looking. They make perfect contact. A little stone walkway leads to the bright green garden shed, and behind 3 pad locks lies her most precious possession. She removes the chainsaw from its marble dais, and marches down along the path and through the garden gate to the front lawn. 

A vast column of smoke rises from the center of her dear neighbors lawn. The bitch herself stands, looking quite proud of herself, in front of the bonfire with her hands on her hips. Neither of them jump when an explosion pops off, sending a chunk of hot plastic just past Vriska's shoulder, over the street, and cleanly into the edge of their lawn, burning a small hole in the evenly cut grass. Kanaya moves over to inspect the impact point, and when she looks back up, Vriska is obnoxiously waving with her entire arm. 

VRISKA: Howdy neigh8or!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Haven’t seen you around for a hot couple of days.  
VRISKA: How ya 8een, hows the wife?  
KANAYA: Oh The Wife Is Quite Well What The Fuck Are You Doing  
VRISKA: Oh ya know.  
VRISKA: Makin' a pile.  
VRISKA: 8urnin' it.  
VRISKA: Normal neigh8orly things!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: Normal Im Sure By The Standards Of A Hypothetical Community Of Large Fire Breathing Reptiles   
KANAYA: Or Maybe A Village Of Especially Foul And Obnoxious Women Dead Set On Testing My Patience   
VRISKA: Oh c’mon!!!!!!!!   
VRISKA: It’s not that 8ig of a deal.  
VRISKA: Terezi isn't here so I'm 8oooooooored   
VRISKA: And m8be I lost a few games!   
VRISKA: Who's keeping count!  
VRISKA: I don't really need these 8xtra monitors anyways. They're a distraction.  
VRISKA: So what else am I supposed to do?  
VRISKA: Not start fires????????  
KANAYA: Well Yeah Actually That Would Be Quite Preferable   


Vriska frowns and crosses her arms, stepping slightly to the side to dodge another blast of plastic. 

VRISKA: What's with all the fuss!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I mean here I thought you were some kind of stone cold 8itch.  
VRISKA: Ya know, after you spritzed me like that for no good reason.  
VRISKA: 8ut you're 8eing pretty uncool right now!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: Oh Im Being Uncool Is That Right  
KANAYA: Well I Happen To Think That This Ridiculous And Completely Unsafe Fire Is Pretty Far From Cool  
KANAYA: In Fact What Youre Doing Right Now Has Been Thrown From Mt Cool And Is Falling So Fast That By Now It Can Barely Even See The Peak Anymore  
KANAYA: Looking Up In Dumb Shock As It Plummets Into The Lame Depths  
KANAYA: Watching The Cliffside Zoom Past Thinking Oh Wow I Wish I Had Listened To Kanaya Instead Of Doing This Because It Sure Is Going To Suck Pretty Hard When I Hit The Nadir Of Coolness In About 2 Minutes And Shatter All My Bones On Impact  
VRISKA: Alright the metaphor isn't lost on me.  
VRISKA: 8ut consider this!  
VRISKA: M8y8e I just wanted to lure you out of that fortress with this epic prank!  
VRISKA: And you seemed interesting after that champ8ne attack so I thought it'd 8e fun to talk!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: Well In The Process Of That Genius Plan You Managed To Destroy My Most Prized Sculpture   
KANAYA: So Not Funny Didnt Laugh 

Kanaya maintains unblinking eye contact as she revs up her chainsaw in one pull and slowly saws the head off of the burning, marred Dr. Phil sculpture.

Oh my god is she blushing? What on e 

VRISKA: Ugh! Wh8ver!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Wh8t kind of lameass neigh8orhood doesn't allow a little recreational arson.  
KANAYA: Well Most Of Them Im Pretty Sure  
KANAYA: But If Youre Insistent On Being Wrong About This  
KANAYA: We Can Just Go Check With Our Dear Local Homeowners Association Office   
KANAYA: So He Can Tell You To Your Face That You Are Wrong And Kanaya Is Right About This   
VRISKA: Well fine!  
VRISKA: 8ut I promise you,  
VRISKA: I never lose :::;)  


It could just be the sun, but something in her left eye flashes as she finishes her sentence. 

They lock eyes and hold the contact as, almost in synch, they step from their lawns and on to the street. Vriska takes a step in the right direction, then apparently second guesses herself, looking back over her shoulder. 

KANAYA: You Have No Idea Where Youre Going Do You  
KANAYA: God  
KANAYA: Its This Way Just Follow Me  
VRISKA: Uhh duh I defin8ly knew that!  
VRISKA: I can m8ke my own way thank you very much!  


They huff at each other and head off in the same direction, northward down the street. Vriska is a fast walker, but she has a few inches on her, and uses this advantage to its full effect, taking long, elegant strides to effortlessly keep pace. This seems to make her madder when she glances over, and she speeds up a little bit. This continues until they reach their destination, a palatial estate at the crown of the street, painted bright red. 

She and Vriska reach the front door at the same moment, scrambling to be the first one to grab the door knob. She gets to it first, but Vriska wedges her body into the opening the second she pulls the door back an inch. They stumble into the house one after another, and she fixes her hair. 

The inside of the house is wholly devoid of natural light, blackout curtains drawn over every window. The lobby is something of an orderly mess, towers of dvds framing the otherwise quite neat front desk. The sounds of a romantic squabble drift in from a room to the side, flickering light darting in and out from under door. A grumbly laugh is cut off when Vriska sprints past her to slap the front desk bell. 

After a noticeable pause, the door is slowly pulled open. From the void emerges the massive form of the homeowners association office representative, taller than Other Men by about 3 feet, and much more fluid in movement. He's as thin as she remembers, and his smooth, hairless skin runs seamlessly into the head of a slate grey rabbit. 7 eyes, 3 cut of ruby, 1 of granite, 3 of obsidian, arc across his face, blinking in perfect symmetry. His golden circlet isn't rotating, and a familar sash of peacock feathers is wrapped around his shoulders, which he reaches up to re-adjust it while taking in the two intruders. He apparently recognizes her, and groans. Rose had it right when she described his voice as 'a river of gravel flowing through a Texan macerator,' and his tone alternates between shouting at the top of his lungs, and a slow, drawling mumble, like he can't decide between drowning out every other thought in the room and not wanting to be heard. 

ASTAPHAIOS: ALRIGHT so before this inevitable dramaturical deluge flows foRTH  
ASTAPHAIOS: POURING from your dryass lIPS  
ASTAPHAIOS: LIKE the swollen waters of the jorDAN  
ASTAPHAIOS: GODDAMN cascading out and filling the room all milk and honey lIKE  
ASTAPHAIOS: LAYING waste to the promised land of this fucking home owners association offICE  
ASTAPHAIOS: IM Talking an orphans crying widows rending clothes situatION  
ASTAPHAIOS: CIVILIZATIONS left sticky and barREN  
ASTAPHAIOS: DROWNING in the hormonal wake of this housewife rampAGE  
ASTAPHAIOS: DOWNRIGHT guzzling estroGEN.  
ASTAPHAIOS: BEFORE that fucking happENS  
ASTAPHAIOS: LEMME just get the reason youre here down in prINT  
ASTAPHAIOS: LEST we forget that this office is a place of orDER  
ASTAPHAIOS: AND not a goddamn battleground for whole foods blood feUDS  
ASTAPHAIOS: LIKE you seem to thINK.  


Vriska seems to be wholly taken off guard by this verbal barrage, silenced for the first time since she's met her. She takes the opportunity. 

KANAYA: Hello Again To You Too  
KANAYA: I Have Another Complaint To Lodge  
ASTAPHAIOS: OH you don't fucking SAY  
KANAYA: I Do Fucking Say  
KANAYA: Well It Isnt Exactly A Complaint   
KANAYA: More Like A Wager That I Know Im Going To Win But Still Needs To Be Settled For My Peace Of Mind  
KANAYA: So  
KANAYA: Tell Me  
KANAYA: Is It Up To The Proper Homeowners Association Code Of Law To Start Massive Fucking Fires In The Middle Of The Lawn  
KANAYA: Or Is That Just Totally Absolutely Out Of Bounds And Also Super Dumb  
ASTAPHAIOS: WHAT the fUCK  
ASTAPHAIOS: OH thats mad not allowed i dont even have to check the rules to tell you tHAT  
ASTAPHAIOS: THE gap between that being allowed and the reality of the situatION  
ASTAPHAIOS: IS lIKE  
ASTAPHAIOS: FROM here to the tippy top of baBEL  
ASTAPHAIOS: WHICH is also a pretty damn good example of how uncool thaT IS  
ASTAPHAIOS: As iN  
VRISKA: Wh8t the f8ck  
ASTAPHAIOS: DUDE dont interrupT ME  
ASTAPHAIOS: WE'RE talkin sacrilege levels of not alloWED  
ASTAPHAIOS: NOT that im gonna go casting y'all to the corners of the glOBE  
ASTAPHAIOS: DESPONDENT and desperATE   
ASTAPHAIOS: RUNNING around like chickens separated from your linguistic heADS  
ASTAPHAIOS: THAT would be a little haRSH  
ASTAPHAIOS: BUT you should probably put that shit out aSAP  
KANAYA: Ha  
KANAYA: See I Told You  
VRISKA: Dude c'mon it's just a stupid little fire.  
VRISKA: Pro8a8ly couldn't even roast marshmallows on that shit if i tried.  
KANAYA: Dr Phil Would Beg To Differ  
ASTAPHAIOS: SACRED rules are sacred ruLES  
ASTAPHAIOS: CAN'T just break that shit for no good reaSON  
VRISKA: This neigh8orhood sucks!!!!!!!!  
ASTAPHAIOS: YOU wanteD IN  
ASTAPHAIOS: GOTTA respect the code of LAW  
ASTAPHAIOS: ANd yOU  
ASTAPHAIOS: LONG tall and uptiGHT  
ASTAPHAIOS: STOP coming in here every time you bump up against a minor probLEM  
ASTAPHAIOS: LIKE some kind of snot nosed girlscOUT  
ASTAPHAIOS: THAT shits annoyING  
KANAYA: Im Sorry Is That Not Your Job  
KANAYA: Because I Must Have Waltzed Into The Wrong Office If Thats The Case  
ASTAPHAIOS: MY only job is to keep this damn neighborhood from going uP IN  
ASTAPHAIOS: APPARENTLY liteRAL  
ASTAPHAIOS: FLAMES at the hands of insane housewiVES  
ASTAPHAIOS: NOTHING more or lESS  
ASTAPHAIOS: AND if you dont like tHAT  
ASTAPHAIOS: THEN wELL  
ASTAPHAIOS: TOuGH  


Vriska and Kanaya glance at each other before turning to look the man dead in his eyes. About 3-4 each. They stand there for a while, arms crossed, focusing every inch and pound of concentrated silent suburban fury they can muster at the incresingly uncomfortable officer. He adjusts his sash a few dozen times before tossing his head back and groaning 

ASTAPHAIOS: ALRIGHT fucking lOOK  
ASTAPHAIOS: MY office iSNT   
ASTAPHAIOS: AND never wilL BE  
ASTAPHAIOS: UP for grABS  
ASTAPHAIOS: BuT  
ASTAPHAIOS: I HAppen to know that theres something of a recent vacency in the country club leadersHIP  
ASTAPHAIOS: SO if you bitches are really that hungry for stirring shiT UP  
ASTAPHAIOS: TRY thERE  
ASTAPHAIOS: NOT hERE  


Before she can ask him to elaborate on What Exactly he fucking means, he snaps his fingers. The wood under their feet rots away to nothing before their eyes, passing through centuries of aging as she falls into the void below, appearing at the very next second back in her own home, standing in front of Rose. 

ROSE: Oh hello again.  
ROSE: So did you manage to get her to cut that shit out?  
ROSE: Or do I need to get the needles out.  
KANAYA: Rose   
KANAYA: I Think I Need To Run For Office  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So begins the more overt gnostic occultist references. Also if it isnt clear, the chapter titles are from real real housewives episodes sfljsalkfdfj


	4. Plenty of 8aggage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the tune mentioned playing in the beginning & mall scenes, if you're interested. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjnAE5go9dI

At the crown of a dais carved from ruby, a massive serpent of black and grey writhes, chained to a throne of cracked marble. The room is hewn from the same stone, stretching beyond her eightfold vision into an infinite field of ancient ruin. Somewhere distant a discordant orchestra performs the same few crackling notes of a vague, warped, whining tune, working its way through channels and valleys of palatial decay. She is drawn forward, running her left hand along the pulsing midsection of the beast. The black is cool to the touch, but the flesh of her palm bubbles and cracks under the searing heat of a patch of grey, now flashing orange. The elegant, quivering abdomen of the serpent works its way around the column, and the tremendous, powerful head of a lion greets her. Soft, plush fur seamlessly fused with scales. I open my maw with a low, clicking hiss, eyes locked with my prey.   
  
YALDABAOTH: WELL WELL FUCKING WELL. HOW THE "TABLES" HAVE "TURNED."  
YALDABAOTH: THESE MESAS OF CARVED WOOD JUST KEEP ROTATING AND ROTATING.   
YALDABAOTH: THE ARBOREAL SPINAL COLUMN SNAPS BUT IT JUST WON'T STOP.  
YALDABAOTH: I'M TALKING STRAIGHT DECAPITATED.  
YALDABAOTH: I MAY HAVE WROUGHT THIS WORLD FROM MY OWN FLESH,  
YALDABAOTH: A "GIFT" FROM ME TO A FEW UNGRATEFUL WENCHES.   
YALDABAOTH: CHISELED FROM MY MOST ESSENTIAL ESSENCES.  
YALDABAOTH: BUT NOW WHO'S TO SAY WHICH OF US IS THE "PRISONER"   
YALDABAOTH: AND WHICH ONE IS "THE ONE WHO MAKES THE OTHER PERSON A PRISONER."  
YALDABAOTH: I MEAN IT'S DEFINITELY STILL YOU.  
YALDABAOTH: YOU'RE THE ONE LOCKED IN THAT METAPHYSICAL BOY TRAP.  
YALDABAOTH: NOT ME.  
YALDABAOTH: BUT WE REALLY ARE LIVING IN A FUCKIN' "SOCIETY."  
YALDABAOTH: WOULD YOU NOT AGREE, VRISKA?  


VRISKA: wha

YALDABAOTH: SILENCE, BROAD.  


VRISKA: Y  
VRISKA: Wh8t the f8ck did you j

I open my mighty jaws, gathering the sparse, fading heat remaining my prison-palace domain, and unleash an unrelenting beam of pure, pulsing, powerful energy. Her flesh is rendered to dust, disintegrated under the might of my sheer, potent... power.. Returned to irr   


Her eyes snap open. Pinpricks crackle in her legs, too full of static pain to move just yet. Not until the cobalt flows back into its place. Sweaty confusion soaked through her worn out Troll Seinfeld tshirt. The nerves in her left hand spark to surprising, painful life as she brushes her hand against one of the stuffed lizards that form the core of their bed. No clock to check the time. Something wriggling at her feet. She blinks the haze out of cloudy eyes. Her cat is playing with a stuffed pink snake at her feet, one of Terezi's, tossing it from side to side with all the ferocity of one of his larger cousins. He sits down when he sees her stir, making very demanding eye contact. 

VRISKA: Aww does the 8ig 8a8y want some wet food?  
????: Mraaaaw  
VRISKA: Oh I'm soooooooo sorry sir!  
VRISKA: Would The illustrious Marquise Spinneret Mindpaw, my valued co-captain, wike some wet food?  
MINDPAW: Mraaaaaaaaw  
VRISKA: Alright 8ut you know the deal!  
VRISKA: Gotta sh8ke on it first!!!!!!!! 

She slowly, gently moves her hand towards the black cat's ratty head. A quick swipe before she can react, and seven thin cobalt lines welt up on a slate gray backdrop. 

VRISKA: Aw!  
VRISKA: You'll let me one of these days!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: You'll seeeeeeee........  
MINDPAW: Mraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw........  
VRISKA: Alright alright!  
VRISKA: So 8ossy!!!!!!!!  


She drags herself up out of the plushie pile and past Mindpaw. Once a good few feet has been driven between them, he follows behind, pausing every time he catches up to some three foot radius of her only visible to the feline eye. They tread into the living room, where she finds her missing phone, lying at the heart of a cobalt chalk outline. Matching blood, dried, crusts the nearby edge of a table. The sight awakens an until now unnoticed pulsing pain in her right temple. She humms as she checks her phone- dead- and plugs it in to charge it while she makes their breakfast... lunch.

Leftover Bigmacs into the pan, smashed with a spoon. Mindpaw stands at attention on the counter, watching smoke rise up from the ketchup scented disaster. Instant coffee speedrun rituals are a little more boring without Terezi here, but she races nonetheless, managing to make it just as the burgers started burning. She takes out a couple of paper plates and evenly splits the mixture, setting one at the other end of the table, where Mindpaw takes his place. She gets halfway through the delectable meal before deciding that things are just a little bit too quiet around here.

VRISKA: So apparently I gotta run for office or something.  
VRISKA: Well not really "office" office.  
VRISKA: Your mom 8nt a 8ig 8ad politician just yet.  
VRISKA: 8ut  
VRISKA: I wanna keep talking to that 8itch across the street,  
VRISKA: Ya know the one.  
MINDPAW:   
VRISKA: So I gotta crack into the country club  
VRISKA: Apparently????????  
VRISKA: Which seems dum8 as fuuuuuuuuck to me.  
VRISKA: 8ut she's interesting!   
MINDPAW: Mraa.  
VRISKA: Yeah I just can't get a grip on what her whole deal is.  
VRISKA: I always thought that meeting someone from 8efore would end me  
VRISKA: As if I couldn't keep 8eing me if someone knew who I used to 8e.  
VRISKA: And I feel like there's something deep in my gut  
VRISKA: F8cking screaming at me to move on and forget a8out her and everything else.  
VRISKA: Like the life I've 8uilt here will shatter if I think a8out it too hard.  
VRISKA: Like I should ignore everything 8ut my wife and my job.  
VRISKA: Move on, m8ybe get some kids, pretend I spawned into the world at age 22.  
VRISKA: 8ut that sucks!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I thought I wanted that, 8ut 8rushing up against that past hasn't 8een all that 8ad!  
VRISKA: She's just as fun to mess with as she was when I was a 8ig cool foot8all star   
VRISKA: And she was some nerd who used to hang around after every game........   
VRISKA: She spent the night a few times, too.  
VRISKA: Man........  
VRISKA: We were pretty good 8ros 8efore she threw a fit over some dum8 8oy!  
VRISKA: She would always ask to arm wrestle me  
VRISKA: Even though I o8viously never lost.  
VRISKA: Her face would get SO green every time I slammed her hand into the ta8le.  
VRISKA: I mean I used to 8e soooooooo strong........   
VRISKA: I would 8e jealous too!!!!!!!!  
MINDPAW: Mrrrrrrrrp.  
VRISKA: Yeah. So I guess I'll just keep making pro8lems on purpose and see how things develop????????  
MINDPAW: MraaAAAAaaw  
VRISKA: Well put.  
VRISKA: Well I should pro8a8ly let Terezi know that she doesn't gotta 8ury me out 8ack.  


She slides the remainder of the burger mess over to Mindpaw before retrieving her phone. It lights up with the time- 1pm- and a few dozen, dozen notifications. She bodyslams herself into the couch to get reading. 

TEREZI: 4LR1GHT YOUR3 NOT W4K1NG UP   
TEREZI: 4ND 1 GOTT4 GO TO WORK   
TEREZI: SO 1 GU3SS 1LL JUST T3XT YOU.  
TEREZI: 1 FOUND YOU LY1NG ON TH3 GROUND WH3N 1 GOT B4CK HOM3  
TEREZI: 1N 4 SM4LL PUDDL3 OF D3L1GHTFUL BOOB3RRY BLU3.  
TEREZI: SO 1 HOP3 YOU'R3 OK?   
TEREZI: OTH3RW1SE 1'V3 GOT TH3 CR1M3 SC3N3 4LL S3T UP >:]  
...  
TEREZI: D4MB YOU R34LLY D1D B1T3 TH3 DUST  
TEREZI: UGH WORK SUCKS TH3YV3 GOT M3 SORT1NG THROUGH TH3S3 DUMB4SS SCROLLS TH4T 1 C4N H4RDLY 3V3N R34D >:/  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU DO1NG 4 STR34M L4T3R?   
TEREZI: 1F NOT W3 SHOULD GO H4R4SS SOM3 DUCKS 1N TH3 P4RK  
TEREZI: PYR4LSPR1T3 PROB4BLY N33DS TH3 3X3RC1S3   
TEREZI: SH33'S B33N W4Y TOO COOP3D UP  
...  
TEREZI: BLUH BLUH TH1S 1S *L4M3* W4K3 UP 4LR34DY  
TEREZI: 1TS B33N L1K3 12 HOURS 1 B3TT3R NOT COM3 B4CK TO YOU 4LL R1GOR MORT1SY ON OUR B3D  
TEREZI: VR1SK4  
TEREZI: VR1SK4  
TEREZI: VR1SK4  
TEREZI: VR1SK4  
TEREZI: VR1SK4  
TEREZI: 1M NOT DO1NG TH4T 8 T1M3S  
TEREZI: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 NOT D34D B3C4US3 M1NDP4W W4S M3SS1NG W1TH YOU   
TEREZI: 4ND 1 TOOK 4 R34LLY FUNNY P1CTUR3 OF H1M S1TT1NG ON YOUR H34D  
TEREZI: SO 1D H4T3 FOR TH4T TO B3 US3D 4S COURT 3V1D3NC3...   
TEREZI: BUT 1T WOULD B3 PR3TTY FUNNY!  
VRISKA: Jesus, Terezi!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I didn't think you'd miss me thaaaaaaaat much :::;)  
VRISKA: I'm fine! Just a little 8ump on the head is all!  
TEREZI: OH TH4NK GOD  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 1 L1CK3D TH3 BLOOD OFF YOUR FOR3H34D  
4ND 1 W4S PR3TTY SUR3 TH3YD BR1NG M3 1N FOR TH4T  
TEREZI: 1 JUST D1DNT W4NT TO G3T TH3 STUFF3D 4N1M4LS 4LL...  
TEREZI: COB4LTY  
TEREZI: YOU N33D 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 1RON 1N YOUR D13T BY TH3 W4Y!  
VRISKA: Oh well I sure am glad I have such a caring and sanitary wife looking after me!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: NO PROB3LM!  
VRISKA:........ Soooooooo........  
VRISKA: WYD  
TEREZI: L1CK1NG TH1S V1T4L C4S3 DOCUM3NT SCROLL  
VRISKA: Without me?   
TEREZI: Y34H TH4TS USU4LLY WH4T “H4V1NG 4 JOB” 1ML13S!  
VRISKA: Wellllllll what would you 8e doing if *I* was there :::;)  
TEREZI: L1CK1NG TH1S V1T4L C4S3 DOCUM3NT SCROLL  
VRISKA: Ugh you're no fun!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: I could have died!  
VRISKA: You're telling me if I 8urst into that office right now  
VRISKA: After you, my very own wife, left me for dead!  
VRISKA: You wouldn't swoon with relief and fall into my arms?   
TEREZI: B4B3 1 D34RLY LOV3 YOU BUT YOUR SCR4WNY 4SS 4RMS COULDNT HOLD M3 UP 1F YOU TR13D  
TEREZI: 4LSO 1 KN3W YOU W3R3NT GO1NG TO D13, DUMB4SS  
TEREZI: 1 COULD T4ST3 YOUR V1T4L1TY >:]  
VRISKA: Ugh stop 8eing gross!  
TEREZI: YOU L1K3 1T   
VRISKA: Well yeah 8ut that's 8esides the point!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: It's so 8ooooooooring here  
VRISKA: You've only 8een working for a couple weeks 8ut it feels like yeeeeaaaars.  
VRISKA: How am I supposed to get hyped for all my genius decisions with no wife around ::::(  
VRISKA: Who else is supposed to chant "do it" when I’m lighting things on fire!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: AND they're playing 8ig lizard fights on the discovery channel again  
VRISKA: With no wife to kiss!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Guess I'll have to go find another ta8le to slam my head into :/  
TEREZI: UGH  
TEREZI: W3LL 1 DO M1SS N1L3 MON1TOR M4K3OUT HOUR...   
TEREZI: 4LR1GHT M4YB3  
TEREZI: M4YB3  
TEREZI: 1 C4N T4K3 4 H4LF D4Y  
VRISKA: ::::D  
TEREZI: BUT W3 H4V3 TO GO SOM3WH3R3 FOR LUNCH F1RST 1M ST4RV1NG OUT H3R3  
TEREZI: WH4T K1ND OF L4M34SS OFF1C3 ONLY STOCKS BL4CK PR1NT3R 1NK >:[  
VRISKA: Weeeeeeeell you 8een to the mall yet?  
VRISKA: If you're really t8king the day off we could do some shopping!  
TEREZI: HMMMMMMMM OK.  
TEREZI: 1 COULD GO FOR SOM3 SHOPL1FT1NG 4T CL41R3S!  
TEREZI: M33T YOU 4T TH3 FOOD COURT 4T 2?   
VRISKA: Not if I get there first!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: VR1SK4 1 DONT TH1NK TH4TS H  


She's out the door and into the truck in just a few minutes, shitty blue flannel thrown over shittier blue pajamas. I mean it's a friday afternoon, who the fuck is gonna be at the mall anyways. It's only a few miles away, so she's pulling into the parking lot, nearly devoid of vehicles, and speed walking through the automatic doors before she knows it. 

Smooth, polished stone leads past shuttered shop after shuttered shop, empty rooms lining a walkway broken up only by barebones benches, circled around hardy green plants. This is just the empty quarter of the mall, other shops are surely bunched together like crabs in a pot. She rounds a corner. Just as empty. The sound of the sound of the sound of a jarringly familiar symphony echoes through the corpse of commerce, guiding her down another grey walkway. Around another corner. These shops are even more gutted. Bits of trash populate the path, clustered around trashcans clustered around green plants tinged brown. Another corner. The tune begins to stretch into a warped, crackling yawn, dropping a few straggling notes in its journey over widening detritus lakes pooling across the floor. Chipped stone here and there, deepening into crumbling canoyns and valleys of cracked ceramic tile as she rounds another corner once more. Chains and shuttered gates locking off desiccated shops rust by the step as she breaks into a nervous jog. The soft, muted screeches of metal on stone emerge from these cells, in time with the rise and fall of the decomposing composition, growing all the more discordant with every repeated loop. Another corner another corner another corner. She picks up the pace as justified fear rises in her tiny ribcage, like a rabbit caught in the sights of a hunting rifle. Skittering through a decaying forest of petrified commerce. Corner corner  corner. She rounds another corner as the browning stone of this decaying temple to capital bleeds seamlessly into the marble halls of a peerless, imprisoned god. Around another corner and 

TEREZI: H3Y B483 WH4TS UP?   


Her face is coated in sweat, and her wife sits just before her, drinking a bottle of relish at a table just around the corner. She looks back. A ramshackle Macy's marks the end of a long corridor of barely occupied shops. Why the fuck is she so sweaty. 

VRISKA: Uhhhhhhhh heyy!  
VRISKA: I was just getting some exercise in  
VRISKA: I mean, I couldn't just let that gr8ve "w34k4ss 4rms" insult slide!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: So I may as well start on my epic quest to 8e a8le to pick up my wife with a uh... little mall jog?  
TEREZI: TH4TS DUMB 4S FUCK 1M NOT GONN4 L13  
TEREZI: BUT 1F 1TLL F1N4LLY G3T YOU TO COM3 3X3RC1Z1NG W1TH M3...  
TEREZI: 1 W3LCOM3 YOUR NOBL3 QU3ST W1TH HONOR >:]  
TEREZI: VRISKA: UGH fine I guueeeeeess I'll 8e your workout 8uddy ::::/  
TEREZI: GOOD.  
TEREZI: SO HOWS YOUR H34D F33L1NG, MRS BLU3B3RRY 4SS BUST3R.  


The pain in her temple pulses, bringing something else to Mind. 

VRISKA: Oh it's fiiiiiiiine. It's fine.  
VRISKA: 8ut that does remind me of something!  
VRISKA: I'm gonna run for office!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: WH4T TH3 FUCK   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little less real housewives-y but itll pick back up next chapter. This is just one of those episodes where everyone is on vacation so it only focuses on one single depraved bitch waking up from a killer hangover and going about her day.
> 
> Also, if you haven't noticed, i am NOT a fast writer by any means, and I have 7 classes this semester that I'm trying to pull off. So the next update might not come until the week after the next. Apologies, but I hope you enjoyed this one!


	5. 1S TH1S 4LL TH3R3 1S?

An annoyingly familiar alarm app jingle pierces through the fog of an easily forgettable nightmare. Eyes snap open, and she takes the first breath of the day. A dark, coarse, mango conditioner scented sea floods her senses. She spits out a few lingering hairs, softly withdrawing her arms from their usual nightime position: firmly wrapped around Vriska's bare chest. A near success, but the motion and steadily escalating volume of the alarm disturbs her wife, who, as usual, clutches tighter to her arms and presses back against her form in a failed, but adorable attempt at extending the bliss of the night. She runs her hands through the softly curling pitch waves, pushing back the mass of hair to clear a path to the cerulean tinged slate grey sea floor so easily submerged in the roiling mass that she loves so much. The early morning fuzz on Vriska's cheek brushes against her lips as she holds a tactical kiss. Taking advantage of the soft sigh and loosened grip it always elicits, like clockwork, she pulls herself free from the tangle of blankets and limbs with a little more force.

She leaves behind the grumbling bump in the blankets and crosses through the warmth of the thin strip of pale early morning light piercing though the blackout curtains and splitting the center of their nest. Alarm turned off, she's met by a very angry Mindpaw, exiled outside from the bedroom. He doesn't like to be left outside, but on some nights what can you do. A couple days ago they forgot to close the door all the way. She was on the floor, Vriska on the bed, both a little too distracted to notice that he had headbutted his way in, leading pyralsprite into the frey of what could and should be described as a slapstick routine she'd rather not remember. The lizard scratches on her back and Vriska claw marks on her scalp still pulse with dull pain.

Mindpaw settles into his place on Vriska's back as she goes about her morning routine: scrubbing her face and neck until the scent of booberry blue lipstick stains dissolve into the shower drain, true crime podcast while she dries off, 2 cups of 2 parts shitty coffee 1 parts 4 Loko while waiting for an uber. She sits on top of the cab of Vriska's truck with her third cup of nightmare juice and a briefcase full of lunch meat, waiting for a brightly scented vehicle to pull up. This time it's tangerine, rotten inside with a crinkling black interior, a conveniently draped tarp preventing the ink saturated interiors of the car from seeping into her pants as she climbs in. The disorienting plane of constantly shifting blackberry lines amassed in the drivers seat shudders as she settles in. The flickering disk rotating around its head occasionally drips a hot viscous cherry liquid that pools in one of the 7 small steaming puddles across the floor of the car.

TEREZI: H1!  
TEREZI: YOU SM3LL L1K3 OTH3R M3N!  
TEREZI: SO 1 C4NT 3X4CTLY T3LL 1F W3V3 M3T OR NOT  
TEREZI: BUT 1 H4V3 TO S4Y  
TEREZI: YOUR WHOL3 "TWO FL4VORS OF L1COR1C3" P4L3TT3 SM3LLS D3L1GHTFUL >:]  


A minute passes as flaming drop after drop slides off his halo, sizzling into the leather interior. Then, an overwhelming crackling chorus like every page of a book being torn out and separately compacted in one motion. Vriska says that usually means they've turned to look at you. From one sniff to another, 7 vanilla cough drop scented spheres, pupilless, bubble up to the surface on various points of his body. They don't move.

VRELP:  
TEREZI: H4H4 OK.  
TEREZI: W3 C4N GO NOW.  


Without another sound, the car rolls forwards, yellow-white bubbles still firmly focused on the side of her head. Fortunately, her office is only a few miles away, past a few dozen rows of identical houses. A few of the normally ubiqutous "FOR SALE" signs have been pulled off from the houses closest to them and the Maryam-Lalondes. Interesting. Before she has time to dwell on it much, they're pulling into the desolate parking lot of her office complex. She slides out of the car the second it slows to a stop. 

Same as usual in the office. The walk to her corner office is lined by dozens of men gathered together in circles of 3, exchanging boxes and cards woven from peacock feathers and emitting an intricate series of whines almost too high pitched to hear. She's halfway down the hall when she bumps into the roiling mass of one of the senior partners, nearly spilling his steaming mug of liquid gold. She wipes off the ink stains with a wipe before the stains settle in to her suit. He maintains a low whine that only sharpens when she looks up from her cleaning. 

REMIEL:  
REMIEL:  
TEREZI: Y34H. TH4T UH.  
TEREZI: Y34H.  
TEREZI: 1LL G3T R1GHT ON TH4T H4H4!  


She has no idea what he just said, but the sound of her voice slows down the black pepper flash of his form. He raises the flashing cup of gold to his... lips? and recedes into his senior partner sepulcher. 

Prismatic light glitters across stacks of scrolls through the multi-colored curtains of her office. She shrugs off her suit jacket and wraps it around the shoulders of the nearest office-chair-occupying jumbo-sized scalemate. Not a single case yet. Just a parade of scroll after incomprehensible scroll of paperwork, slid under her door every three hours on the dot. They've never really explained what the point of them is, or how to even "do" the paper work. Reading the signs for too long sears her tongue and fuzzes her brain. It feels like pop rocks trying to parse this shit. At this point she's given up on figuring it out, just scribbling around the symbols in red crayon. Which apparently raises no complains from the wardens of law. 

She's rolling a scroll out across the desk when a distant buzzing startles her into dropping a sword shaped paperweight, punching clean through ancient cloth. The call is answered the second the spider emoji registers with her taste buds. 

TEREZI: H3Y!  
VRISKA: Heyyyyyyyy   
VRISKA: Ok, so   
VRISKA: Get this  
VRISKA: Here I am  
VRISKA: Trying to fetch groceries for my lovely wife  
VRISKA: When this 8itch-  


Vriska is cut off by the muffled clang of metal on metal. Then by another voice speaking over her complaints in a newly familiar, clearly, carefully enunciated voice.  


KANAYA: Oh Dear   
KANAYA: It Seems Like Ive Bumped My Cart Against Yours  
KANAYA: How Unusually Clumsy Of Me  
VRISKA: Oh SURE!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: ANYW8YS  
VRISKA: So here I was  
VRISKA: Trying to fetch my wife's favor8 cereal from the cereal isle  
VRISKA: When this 8ITCH   


The carts clash again, but Vriska raises her voice to speak over the noise.  


VRISKA: GR8BS the s8me 8ox right after me  
VRISKA: And now she wont let go  
KANAYA: You Know Damn Well We Reached It At The Exact Same Time  
VRISKA: Yeah yeah!  
VRISKA: 8ullshit!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Fruity pe88les is her favorite cereal.  
VRISKA: Just let me have the 8ox!  
KANAYA: Like Ive Been Saying  
KANAYA: Rose Likes It Too  
KANAYA: And She Actually Eats It  
KANAYA: She Doesnt Just  
KANAYA: What Was It You Said  
KANAYA: "Sniff It Until It Makes Her Brain Feel Good"  
VRISKA: 8luh 8luh it's 8asically the same thing!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: It Really Is Not  


Terezi leans back in her chair, feet on the now desecrated scroll.  


TEREZI: OK SO  
TEREZI: 4S FUNNY 4S TH4T 1S  
TEREZI: 1M NOT SUR3 WH4T YOU W4NT M3 TO DO 4BOUT 1T >:?  
VRISKA: Ohh  
VRISKA: Nothing!  
VRISKA: I've just 8een standing here for close to an hour  
VRISKA: Holding this 8ox  
VRISKA: And I'm 8ored ::::(  
KANAYA: If You Had Just Relinquished Your Half Of It Maybe This Could Have Been Solved Much Sooner  
VRISKA: Like fuck!!!!!!!!   


The rustling of the carts and the ambience of petty arguing stops short at the sound of a whiny voice, layered upon itself in competing multides of pitches, like it can't decide how exactly it wants to be heard, comes crackling through the speaker system.  


???????: 2o help me  
???????: iif you ladiie2 dont lowwer your 2hriill fuckiing vvoiice2   
???????: iim goiing to braiin my2elf wwiith thii2 priice tag 2canner   
TEREZI: WHO TH3 FUCK 1S TH4T  
KANAYA: Just The Manager  
VRISKA: Just the man8ger  
TEREZI: R1GHT. OK  
TEREZI: SUR3.  


She reaches for her briefcase for some snacks before continuing this extremely ordinary conversation full of very normal people. It's not in its usual place. Or on her desk. On in the emergency pile of chalk boxes. Or in th. Fuck. It was on the floor of the ride she scrambled out of. God fucking 

TEREZI: 4CTU4LLY VR1SK4  
TEREZI: COULD YOU L3T GO OF TH3 C3R34L  
VRISKA: Whaaaaaaaat  
VRISKA: No!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: Why????????  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK 1 LOST MY BR13FC4S3 SOM3WH3R3  
VRISKA: And the lunchm8ts?  
TEREZI: 4ND TH3 LUNCHM34TS >:[  
TEREZI: DO YOU TH1NK YOU COULD P1CK SOM3TH1NG UP FOR M3?  
VRISKA: Ugggghhhh yeah I guess I could........  
VRISKA: 8ut then I'd 8e letting her win ::::(  
KANAYA: Letting Me What  
TEREZI: 1F 1T'S 4NY CONSOL4T1ON  
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK YOU COULD H4V3 OUTL4ST3D H3R  
KANAYA: Win What  
VRISKA: Aw 8a8e ::::)  
VRISKA: Ok fiiiiiiiine I'll do it ::::P  
TEREZI: 3XC3LL3NT!  
KANAYA: Is This Some Kind Of Game T  


She hangs up to get back to work. She's won't have the chance to do much more after Vriska gets here. 

A few painful scrolls later, and the door busts open. She forgot that the store is only a few miles away from her office. Vriska stands in her doorway, monster energy shirt tucked into a matching black skirt, holding a brown paper bag. 

TEREZI: H3Y B4B3 >:]  
VRISKA: Heeeeyyyy!  


Vriska power walks over, picking up and putting on her suit jacket mid stride, and settles on a bit of her desk less dense with scrolls. 

VRISKA: I 8rought luunncchh!!!!!!!!  


Vriska promptly dumps the bag on one of the lower stacks. Disks of meat, crackers, and cheese tumble out, rolling to, and sometimes over, each and every corner of the table. She picks up a handful as they roll past, and shoves them in her mouth. 

TEREZI: 4R3 TH3S3 JUST...  
TEREZI: LUNCH4BL3S?  
VRISKA: You 8et!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: WOND3RFUL >:]   


They scavenge for wild lunchable parts, together. Picking out bits of crackers and assorted meats from the folds of worn papyrus, and throwing them at each other's mouthes from across the room. Most of the shots miss.

TEREZI: OH  
TEREZI: TH1S BL4ND T4ST3L3SS CH33S3 R3M1NDS M3!  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW TH3 FOR S4L3 S1GNS 1N FRONT OF THOS3 HOUS3S BY US?  
VRISKA: No?  
TEREZI: OK W3LL  
TEREZI: 1T LOOKS L1K3 W3 M1GHT B3 G3TT1NG N3W N31GHBORS SOON  
TEREZI: 4ND L1K3. NORM4LLY WHO C4R3S  
TEREZI: BUT  
TEREZI: SOM3TH1NG T3LLS M3 TH3Y COULD B3 COMP3T1T1ON FOR YOUR WHOL3 3L3CT1ON TH1NG  
VRISKA: Oh yeah?   
VRISKA: What m8ks you think that????????  
TEREZI: W3LL TH3YR3 PROB4BLY PR3TTY W3LL OFF 1F TH3YR3 1N OUR L1TTL3 S3CT1ON OF TH3 N31GHBORHOOD   
TEREZI: 4ND 1M PR3TTY SUR3 1T'S JUST YOU 4ND H3R 4T TH1S PO1NT?   
TEREZI: SO 1T ST4NDS TO R34SON TH4T SOM3ON3 3LS3 M1GHT B3 COMP3LL3D TO T4K3 4 SHOT  
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY 1F TH3Y G3T TH3 S4M3 1NT3L FROM TH4T L4M3 HOM3OWN3RS DUD3  
VRISKA: yeeeeaaaah i guess so!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: 8ut I dunno!  
VRISKA: I mean I dou8t they're going to stand much of a chance against MY campaign   
VRISKA: Not with a man8ger like you 8y my side ::::)  
TEREZI: >:]  
VRISKA: We can keep an eye on it  
VRISKA: 8ut I dou8t that itll end up 8eing very relevant!  
TEREZI: Y34H YOU'R3 PROB4BLY R1GHT  


She finishes eating the small pile of cheese she gathered together, and looks up to Vriska, still working on some of the ham that fell on the floor. The rainbow light from her curtains plays across the coarse black hair like waves fused with spilled oil, glittering strangely, cascading down over her borrowed florescent red suit jacket. It starts to feel a little warmer in her suit jacket. Her wife doesn't seem to notice when she stands up from her office chair. She's picking something out of her teeth with the little paper weight sword, and puts it down to continue a half remembered rant from last night. 

VRISKA: So anyw8s this dum8ass on stream was l-  


She cuts her off with a kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess to show my hand a little here: if this chapter seems a little more sober & less immediately dramatic it's bc "Housewives" only applies to the (as of now) two women here who dont have Real Jobs. Terezi & Rose are just normal bitches.


End file.
